Rubbish
by Page of Cups
Summary: Draco is outraged.  He should sue for defamation of character.  DH spoilers.  RonxDraco. Rated for language.


**Title**: Rubbish

**Author**: Page of Cups

**Claim: **Draco/Ron

**Prompt**: 08. Unforgivable

**Rating**: M

**Summary**: Draco is outraged. He should sue for defamation of character.

**DISCLAIMER**: The following should speak conclusively for itself that I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I have any desire at this juncture to be. The world of Harry Potter and the characters within are of her creation and are owned by her and various other media outlets that I am not affiliated with either, including Scholastic, Bloomsbury, Warner Bros., and possibly more.

**Author's Note**: I wrote this for 100 Quills. You know I had to do it.

**WARNING: SPOILERS FOR **_**DEATHLY HALLOWS**_** ARE CONTAINED WITHIN. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT AND YOU DON'T WISH TO KNOW ANYTHING, IT'D DO YOU GOOD NOT TO CONTINUE.**

…**Oh, yes. And cussing. Warning for cussing.**

* * *

In a darkened corner of the Three Broomsticks, Draco Malfoy peered down at the book in his hands, scowling. His chair titled back, supported on two legs and stabilized against the wall. Chattering around the pub increased over the last hour or so, rising to a din as patrons filtered in and out; Draco paid it no mind. He turned the page.

As his eyes roved over the print, his scowl deepened. Wrinkles creased his forehead and the bridge of his nose. His steely grey eyes darkened; his lips twisted. Somewhere to his left the insufferable Weasel snickered.

"I haven't seen you look that way since the first day on the Hogwarts Express."

"Bugger off, you stupid wanker. I'm almost done."

"Well that explains that, then."

Draco made a guttural, throaty sound and turned the page. His stomach churned, threatening to bring up dinner. He absently grabbed at his glass of firewhisky and brought it to his lips only to find it empty. Weasel snickered again, took the glass, and replaced it with his own.

"Take mine for now. I'll get you another. You're going to need it."

"This is revolting. I'm half-inclined not to finish."

"Pointless, though, considering you've only got three pages to go."

He grunted again and downed Ron's glass in two gulps. He winced as it burned down his throat, and then blinked several times before refocusing on the words. Draco turned to the last page. As Ron returned to the table with fresh glasses of desperately needed alcohol, Draco threw the book across the table. It hit halfway, slid for the remainder, and fell off the edge. He snatched a glass away from Ron's hand, allowing his chair to come thumping back down on all four legs.

"Bollocks!"

"I know," said Ron.

"It's rubbish on its own as a purely literary piece!"

"I know."

"She should write a formal apology to her fans for forcing them to read such drivel!"

"Well what do you expect after _Half-Blood Prince_? As if I'd snog Lavender . . ."

"Yes, but at least we got to call you Won-Won after that one."

"Oh, sure. Go ahead; laugh at my pain. It never happened, remember?"

"Yes, I know, but why pass up an opportunity to take the piss out of you?"

"Bugger off."

"No, I will not. I'm outraged. I should sue for defamation of character."

Ron snickered. Draco took another shot of his firewhisky and glared. Through the commotion in the pub they didn't notice Harry approaching their table until he thwacked Ron on the back of the head.

"Oi. Budge up, you git."

"What do you want, Potter?"

"Saw you chuck your book across the table. Assumed it meant you finished."

Draco grunted. Harry laughed and pulled a chair from a nearby table. He waited for Ron to slide his chair closer to Draco, and then settled himself across from the two. Harry grinned.

"That bad, huh?"

"Draco wants to sue for defamation of character," said Ron.

"I do not have a receding hairline!"

It had been a bad moment for Harry to sip his own glass of firewhisky. The words left Draco's mouth, and Harry choked for several seconds before forcing the liquid down his throat. He coughed.

"Warn a bloke before you say stuff like that again."

"It's supposed to be nineteen years later, love," said Ron. "Give it time."

"That's not funny! I mean . . ." Draco huffed. He slid off his chair, reached under the table, and was almost kicked in the head before he grabbed hold of his book. He returned to his chair and frantically flipped through the pages. "What _was_ this? Who _am _I? What happened? Did the mysterious ambassador stop playing the informant? Was it Dumbledore? I think it had to be . . ."

"What is he going on about?" said Harry.

"Draco believes the first five books were so accurate because some witch or wizard must have been informing J.K. Rowling about our world," said Ron.

"And _Half-Blood Prince_ wasn't too far off," said Draco. "I mean . . . it was, but . . ."

"Yes," said Harry. "Ron never snogged Lavender because it was actually the two of you shagging all over Hogwarts. We know. We _all _know."

"So I think it must have been Dumbledore. The romantic entanglements are all messed up, but it's not like Dumbledore would know who I'm shagging. You didn't even know until long after it started."

"Right . . ."

"Bleeding hell. If I would've just gone with Dumbledore when he said he could protect me I wouldn't have had to read this rubbish. I mean, I would, but it just would've been all this mushy, corny relationship stuff. I think she hates poofs," said Draco, nodding. "Did you notice? Everyone in Hogwarts is straight. I get married and have a little brat of my own. And don't even get me started on Weasley and Granger . . ."

"You'd think after eight years my boyfriend would stop using my surname," said Ron. "He never does."

Harry snorted.

"Well it's not like I married Ginny, but you don't see me getting all bent out of shape over it. Honestly, the idea of marrying Ginny is kind of gross. No offense, Ron. It's just she's like a sister to me."

"None taken. I know."

"I think she must really like Ginny," said Harry. "J.K. Rowling, that is, because it's not like it would've changed much if she'd have just let me be with Luna."

Draco looked up.

"How is Luna, by the way?"

"Tired. Long hours at St. Mungo's. But other than that, she's good. I'd ask how you are, but I see you both more often than is probably healthy."

"What that supposed to mean?" said Draco.

"Nothing."

"I don't understand how you can be so calm about this."

"What? The book?"

"Yes! It's not just me she's turned into a blithering dunderhead . . ."

"And Snape's influence rears its ugly head . . ." Ron muttered.

Draco hardly spared him a glare.

"Look at what she's done to you, Potter! You never step up except to get yourself killed! You weren't that pitiful when you finished off the Dark Lord. And my father! My father would have never cowered so pathetically at the Dark Lord's heels pleading for my mercy. And Snape! What the Merlin's bollocks did she do to Snape?"

Harry shifted and gave them an uncomfortable shrug.

"Yeah. That was a hard chapter to read."

"I'd think that if that had actually happened, you'd have been a bit more disturbed than you were made out to be. You just accept it and go on! And Albus Severus . . .?"

"I know," said Harry. "It doesn't even sound good."

"You would never name your child after Snape! And how creepy is that naming your kids after your mum, dad, and the man who wanted to break them up? It's revolting. Snape is rolling over in his grave."

"I know."

"He did so much in the last battle. It's such a disgrace to his memory, what she did to him. He did so much for the entire Order. He did so much for _me_. And don't even get me started on what she did to me . . ."

"Because Draco's capable of getting himself started all on his own . . ." said Ron.

"I wasn't just lollygagging around the Manor cowering from the Dark Lord and crying myself to sleep. I was on the run! I was being chased by Death Eaters just as much as you lot if not more! I was fucking lucky to have Snape take me in and hide me from them. I didn't just shuffle about trying to get Death Eaters to understand I was on their side in the last battle. I fucking fought. I almost lost my right eye!"

Ron snickered.

"You did not!"

"I could have!"

"That spell missed you by almost ten meters."

"Oh piss off. I have a _limp_ from that battle!"

"Draco, it's hardly noticeable, and it only acts up in bad weather."

"We live in London, Ron. It's always bad weather."

Harry laughed.

"I know, Draco. We _all_ know how amazing you were."

"Was that supposed to be my redemption? Hanging around after the Dark Lord was vanquished cowering with my mummy and daddy?"

"Think so."

"Bollocks!"

"Well it's not like I'm as pathetic as she makes me out to be, either," said Ron. Harry and Draco stared for a full ten seconds. Draco patted his arm. "Oh, sod off."

"You are a little self-obsessed," said Harry.

"Yeah, your characterization wasn't that far off," said Draco.

"Oh, come on! I know things! I'm not some bumbling idiot!" Draco raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I'm not a bumbling idiot all the time."

"Of course you're not, love. I wouldn't be able to tolerate you if you were."

"Thanks, Draco. I love you, too."

"No, really. I understand. That scene with the locket . . . okay, it would have been very you if you were obsessed with Granger, but you're not, so I can understand why you'd be irritated."

"That was kind of badass faking Parseltongue to get into the Chamber, though," said Harry.

"And it was badass how good you did at faking to be all those people with Polyjuice."

"Not to mention you were awesome saving me when I went after the Gryffindor sword."

"You figured the Deluminator out on your own."

"Without you, we'd have never known what that Beedle the Bard business was all about, and that was central to the Deathly Hallows."

"Yeah, right," said Ron. "Wish I could take credit for all that."

"Yeah," said Draco. "You have no reason to complain. I think you came out more together and out of Potter's shadow than any of the other books. She made you better than you are. Shut the bloody hell up."

"What about all that business with Hermione, then? You don't think I should be annoyed by that? She made me out to be a bloody fool!"

"You are a bloody fool. Maybe you weren't falling all over Granger, but you sure were like that with me for the first two or three years we were together."

Harry barked a laugh and nodded.

"He's right. I sort of felt sorry for you."

"Piss off, the both of you."

"Now don't be like that," said Draco. "I thought it was sweet. Pathetic and idiotic considering all the bad things I'd done, but sweet. I can't blame you for it. I know I'm irresistible."

"Sometimes I think you don't actually love me."

"That's ridiculous. I wouldn't let you keep on shagging me for eight years if I didn't love you. Doesn't make you less of an idiot."

"That hurts."

"See? Insecure and overtly sensitive. You have no case. I, however, do not have a buggered receding hairline! It's preposterous!"

Ron shook his head.

"I'm going to get pissed."

"Bring me something. My firewhisky's almost gone."

"Why don't you just get a bottle, go home, and have some drunken shagging?" said Harry. "I've got to head back to the flat, anyway. Luna's expecting me."

"Because Draco would rather cry and complain about _Deathly Hallows_."

"There is no excuse for this load of rubbish. I honestly think we should lodge for a formal apology. I'll get Granger to make up a petition. I'm sure she's appalled at what a hussy J.K. Rowling has made her out to be."

"Hermione wasn't made out to be a hussy," said Harry.

"Sure, she was. Didn't you read that kiss with her and Ron?"

"What about it?" said Harry.

"I tried to not read it," said Ron.

"Am I the only one who thought Granger would throw herself at anyone who wanted to save the house elves? I think Granger wants to shag a house elf."

Ron stared at Draco for several seconds. He moved forward, pulling Draco's chair away from table. He grabbed the blond around the stomach and hoisted him over his shoulder.

"Weasel, what are you doing?"

"Taking you home."

"Put me down."

"I think I'm going to get out of here," said Harry. "See you at work tomorrow."

Ron nodded.

"Potter, don't leave me like this! Help me!"

Draco's cry for help faded as Harry darted out of the pub and apparated. Ron snickered and laid a light slap to Draco's arse. He yelped and then hung pitifully across Ron's shoulder.

"Are we still getting more firewhisky?" said Draco.

"Thought we'd skip straight to the shagging."

"Can I still sue for defamation of character?"

"I think if you went anywhere near J.K. Rowling and properly introduced yourself, much less tried to sue for defamation of character, she might drop dead of shock."

"See? It has its merits."

"It's a bad book, Draco. That doesn't mean she needs to die."

"I think it's the same as the Imperius curse. Making me do things I would never do and ruining my reputation."

"The Muggles think you're fictional. Half of the wizarding population doesn't even know there are books about Harry. Everyone else knows what really happened. That's all that matters."

"I'm a laughingstock."

Ron chuckled. He shook his head, and as he did so, ran his free hand down Draco's back. He snuck his thumb into the waist of Draco's trousers and brushed his fingertip across the hidden skin. Draco sighed and shivered.

"Are you done?" said Ron.

"Yes."

"Fancy a shag?"

"I suppose it would uplift my spirits."

"And no suing anyone?"

"It's not like I need the money, I suppose."

"All right, then."

Ron grabbed Draco's copy of _Deathly Hallows_ and tossed it into the rubbish bin. Draco sighed as heads turned, watching the youngest Malfoy carried from the pub. Once outside, Ron tightened his grip, and the familiar pressurized sensation washed over them as they apparated.

* * *

**_Thanks for reading my first RonxDraco in three years. All my love._**

**_-D_**


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